short funny affirmations

Positive affirmations are a longstanding practice for those of us who need a little extra daily encouragement, and the best part isthey're free and they're flexible! Today I will embrace the poop., 7. I dont know how to act my age because Ive never been this old before. Choose a job you love and youll never have to work a day in your lifebecause that field isnt hiring. "If you see me talking to myself. Pat Sajak I tell you what always catches my eye. Finally, if you want a simple tool to record and recite these affirmations, then check out these 13 affirmations apps that help you create a positive mindset. Home: Where I can look ugly and not care. So, watch your words, restructure your thoughts, and stay positive if you want to see a change in your life. Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love. Good morning! Not looking at the price tag when Im shopping., 11. Of course, I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice. Socrates. Im sorry, but thats just the way I am. These affirmations are funny, humorous, witty and sarcastic for work, friends, family, mom, to boost your self-esteem, confidence and strength. Then you stand in front of the mirror, take a deep breath in, open your mouthwait, this is funny. Rodney Dangerfield, 198. 265. Everyone wants to talk with me because I am very funny. Today, I look at my goals. Putting up with others shit isnt on my To-Do list today. 265. In between, I am alive. 89. Friends buy you food. I am lazy till I get a motive. I dont need you to remind me of my age at work, I have a bladder that will do that for me., 8. Alexa, please clean the negativity off of my mind please. Tell the negative committee that meets inside your head to sit down and shut up. avoid carbs. 239. The early bird catches the worm, eats more and dies sooner. What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant? Since not all of us are blessed with the ability to throw a joke the right way, we thought of helping you out by giving you these ridiculously short funny quotes. 63. I didnt mean to push all your buttons, I was just looking for the mute button. Doing nothing is hard, you never know when youre done. Walking into a room and then forgetting why I am here is my daily cardio. 213. 271. 127. How do you count cows? Really? 192. Words have the power to make or break us. Its scary when it disappears. Emphasis on the cool. I wasnt mad, but now that you asked me 7 times if Im mad.. yes, Im mad! 123. Today I will embrace the poop. Its alright if you dont agree with me, I cant force you to be right. 124. Actually, you dont have to imagine. 48. 189. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. Charles M. Schulz. 176. Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking terrible? I breathe in and out. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); Should I Send My Child to Therapy? Run. 25. 276. And a funny bone. Life begins on Friday night. Live life to the fullest. If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else. 130. Plus, youre never gonna become funny and charismatic by being afraid to speak your mind. My body belongs to me and I can set boundaries around it. By waking up and repeating this mantra, you will set the tone for the day. 1. 188. 182. 170. May life man not be perfect, but Im blessed., 13. 215. To the guy who created imaginary numbers in math: I hate you. I don't entertain negativity in any shape or form. I deserve sugar, spice, and all things nice. 116. 2. My windows arent dirty, my dog is painting. 277. 191. 205. In between, I am alive. 113. Jackie Collins, 240. When I was in high school I had two favorite subjects, lunch and recess. Nothing, they just waved. 8. Dont forget that you get 24 hours, even on your worst day. 264. Watch popular content from the following creators: Maaryfairyy(@maaryfairyy), Jasmines Garden(@jasminesgarden23), Dazley(@dazzlemeup), JaySean(@jaysean), Nathalie Munoz(@nathaliemunozx3) . 114. 99. Theres life without Facebook and internet? I create my life on a quantum level. 82. 225. I tried looking at the bright side of life, but it hurt my eyes. The early bird catches the worm, eats more and dies sooner. The following is the list of some humorous affirmations for you: I am doing all the amazing things because I am an amazing human being. But a little chocolate now and then doesnt hurt. My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry. Im old enough to know better, but young enough to do it anyway. The thing is, Im still getting ready. When you fall, I will be there to catch you with love. I dont need validation from others to know Im killing it. No matter how bad it gets, Im always rich when I go to the dollar store. How do trees access the internet? 49. I didnt want to interrupt her. My cankles will hold me. I am quite fascinating. 67. Not me, but somebody does. Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the journey. This is the beauty of funny affirmations. 256. 270. Ill keep going forward even if my pants tear off. Funny positive affirmations do work. When and How to Let Them Know, How To Cheer Yourself Up When Feeling Down, 5 Things To Discuss With Your Partner Before Marriage, Funny Positive Affirmations For Self-Esteem, 50+ Powerful Positive Affirmations For Exams, 70+ Positive Affirmations For Teens From Parents. Silence is golden, unless you have kids, then silence is just plain suspicious. When, in fact, we must be optimistic and supportive of ourselves. 187. I cant make everyone happy, Im not tequila. 250. 25. Monday I shall slay thee with me mighty cup of coffee. 174. Sincerely, yourself. I am awesome. Its okay if people dont like me. If you cant remember my name, just say chocolate and Ill turn around.. Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once. Today, I acknowledge the time I have spent over the week. Bill Murray, 260. 263. 78. One thing you need to remember though; if you are going to be funny, then make sure youre actually funny. 219. What do computers eat for a snack? We all have those days when we feel like the world is coming to an end. 215. You can make friends and have good relationships if you believe in your sense of humor and fill your mind with funny and positive thoughts. Let me gather my thoughts and crush this Monday., 15. Positive Affirmations And Inspiring Quotes About Life Life is filled with highs and lows, sometimes, we need some inspirational quotes to help us overcome challenges of life and offer guidance to us. I always dream of being a millionaire like my uncle. Bill Murray Be yourself; everyone else is already taken. He who laughs last didnt get it. Pleasing everyone, thats impossible. 107. Life does a pretty good job of keeping us stressed and worried, we dont need our internal dialogue to pile on too. Youre born free, then youre taxed to death. No matter what I look like. Its not easy staying motivated for work all the time. Best friends eat your food. I attacked the floor and I believe I am winning. Whatever I do, I will do it for fun, but with dedication and focus. Because if you can put a smile on your face with a little humor, I guarantee that youll feel some weight come off your shoulders.f. They say dont try this at home so Im coming over to your house to try it. Franklin Jones, 259. My jokes do. 79. 28. 59. Bill Murray. 245. Run. My jokes do. 231. 31. 152. Granted, it can be challenging to write affirmations, especially if you havent done it before. My six pack is protected by a layer of fat. 102. Wake up and smell the birdshit on your windshield. Why is Monday so far from Friday, and Friday so close to Monday? Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow as well., 13. "I make people laugh, whether it's with me or at me.". In the morning, I cant get up. 164. Even if youre a skeptic, you must admit these funny affirmations really work. 3. 9. It equates "weight loss" with thoughts like: I can. 45. 242. Nine out of ten people love chocolate, and the 10th person is always lying. Every day I am devoted to my passions and dreams. 230. Effective pushing often involves poop. 35. No matter how bad it gets Im always rich when I go to the dollar store. Take a dose of encouragement from your positive affirmations whenever youre feeling down. I dont think thats a coincidence., 3. My farts aren't nearly as bad as my dogs'. Your email address will not be published. I am wise enough to make the same mistake again!, 8. Dave Barry - F. 264. 275. 196. Never test how deep the water is with both feet. Perhaps youre just starting to use affirmations and still cant take yourself seriously. I dont go crazy, I am crazy. Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, theyll start using it. Awesome things will happen today if you choose not to be miserable., 7. Honolulu, its got everything. 97. Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet, miss a car payment. Hence, avoid using past or future tenses. Why cry for someone when you can laugh next to someone else? "What doesn't kill you makes your drinks stronger.". Positive affirmations aren't about tricking kids into mentally looking at life with eyes that only see what they want to see. Im laughing at the confusion and smiling through the tears. Excuse me, I need to go be awesome today. To anybody I hurt this year, I just wanna say you deserve it. Dont forget to drink water and get some sun. Exercise? 11. People wont be going to bed thinking about that one bad joke you made. To conclude this list of funny affirmations, heres a few that are specifically focused around work. I know that I am stupid but when I look around me I feel a lot better. 1. 30. Youre talking to yourself. If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me. And one of the fundamental truths in life is that they will make . I am at peace with my body and accept it as it is. Life is like a very long TV show, without a remote control. I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. - Jack London. 40. What happens to a frogs car when it breaks down? If youre hotter than me, then that means Im cooler than you. Funny Affirmations. My dream job would be the Karma delivery service. Swimming trunks. The world needs people like me to keep things interesting! 189. Edward A. Murphy. 3. Its okay if people dont like me. 86. 248. Enjoying this list of funny affirmations so far? Dont worry, the spider is smaller than you. You never know what you have, until you clean your closet. How Do People Share The News About Their Engagements? Which affirmation put a smile on your face? Because seven ate nine. In the morning, I cant get up. I understand success cant happen overnight. Decomposing. Who cares about the future? Then perhaps youd find value in these articles on how to write affirmations and the benefits of affirmations. Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. 53. I can always be fatter. Stop texting me in the middle of texting you, now I have to change my text. I love my computer because all my friends live inside it. Breasts dont have eyes. Funny affirmations for self-esteem are one way you can boost your mood in just minutes! I am not letting an episode of my life ruin the entire show. Im like a postage stamp. We need to hear a pin drop. 273. 118. Some people are like clouds. 19. 113. I could agree with you, but then wed both be wrong. 16. A wishbone. If everyone knew what I was thinking, I would get punched in the face a lot. Sometimes these surprises are way too spectacular and sometimes way too tragic. If Im not there, I go to work. Robert Orben, 4. Dave Barry. I am intelligent. People say you cant live without love, but I think oxygen is more important. You can simply try out one of our funny options, or think of affirmations that best match your sense of humor. Robert A. Heinlein, 243. Lazy people fact #2347827309018287. Affirmations are a great way to change your mindset. The world is my buffet, and my plate is ready to go. All you need is love. The chains on my mood swing just snapped. 249. 27. One of the most important aspects of affirmations is how authentic they feel to you. Batwoman: single. These kinds of things just come with the territory if youre trying to live a meaningful life. No matter what a mess I am, my kids adore me. Life doesnt have any hands, but it can sure give you a slap sometimes. Also read: 50+ Powerful Positive Affirmations For Exams. 54. To make time fly, throw your watch out the window. 13. Im not weird, Im just limited edition. IRS: Weve got what it takes to take what you have got. I see food, and I eat it. Description for this block. Top 10 Funny Affirmations For Self-Esteem, Funny Daily Affirmations To Boost Your Energy, Funny Positive Affirmations For Confidence, 90 Funny Affirmations To Start Your Day With Laughter, 90 Inspiring & Funny Quotes About Ageing Gracefully, 280 Positive Money Affirmations For An Abundance Mindset. So life is not always "All The Way Up", I guess. Sam Levenson I could agree with you, but then wed both be wrong. I said yes, which turned out to be the right answer. 24. Ive got three bones. Because it was soda pressing. If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button. Im multitasking: I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time. 26. After all, laughter is a universal way to express yourself. - Marcus Tullius Cicero. I often wish I was someone else Just so I could hang around with someone as awesome as me. I dont suffer from insanity. Steven Wright Give me a photo of you so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas. Short people with an umbrella. Confidence makes me powerful. I accept my body the way it is today. "Disconnect to connect.". My imaginary friend thinks he has problems. Im thinking like a proton, always positive. Ann Landers No one is immune to self-sabotage, heartbreak, loss, and failure. It may look like Im doing nothing, but in my head, Im quite busy. 259. I will not let my mind be a bully to my body. I personally love watching masters of comedy, Feel free to pick a few of these affirmations and say them to yourself the next time youre. Because he was always spotted. Why is Monday so far from Friday, and Friday so close to Monday? As an Amazon Associate we earn from qualifying purchases. Life is a game full of little and big surprises. I am too lazy to be lazy. Excuse me while I go on a ride on the porcelain steamer. I love the moment when the coffee kicks in and I realize what an adorable badass I am going to be today. So far, so good. 162. A person with a great sense of humor is also more likable. Following my intuition and my heart keeps me safe and sound. Yesterday I did nothing and today Im finishing what I did yesterday. But you're not as old as you're going to be.". - Bob Hope. I have seen better days, but Ive also seen worse. I'm a peli-can! Gary Delaney Whenever I am sad I go to my favorite place, the fridge. If at first, you dont succeed, so much for skydiving. They allow you to focus on the positive and what is working in your life rather than dwelling on the negative. 112. It will just flow naturally. I am Ananya, a professional speaker and I love motivating people and inspiring them to pursue their dreams. If you think nobody cares if youre alive, try missing a couple of car payments. "We . 222. 6. Its what it is supposed to be, dont overthink and let it go. "Don't let anyone ever dull your . My silence spoke a thousand words, but you never heard them. I dont worry about getting older. Paul Ehrlich 1. 84. 115. 190. Exercise? 9. 65. 196. The future is shaped by your dreams, so stop wasting time and go to sleep. What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Robert A. Heinlein A gummy bear. "Your mistakes don't define you.". Cindy from Marzahn Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you. 123. I hate Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, and half of Fridays. 7. The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant? When shit hits the fan at work, I turn it into fertilizer., 10. Unknown. 180. Seeing a spider in my room isnt scary. Walter Bagehot Using affirmations can significantly impact your outlook on life, but saying such serious statements to yourself can often make you feel silly. 56. To make time fly, throw your watch out the window. Every time you are able to find some humor in a difficult situation, you win., 5. I am capable of rewriting my grievances and transforming my fears. Why cant you trust an atom? My boss is like a baby, screams and wakes me up every half hour. Im multitasking: I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time. Dont drink to forget me, youll end up seeing me double. 2. 141. "If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.". Gary Delaney, 248. 50. See more ideas about sarcastic, funny quotes, funny. 194. It will warm you twice unknown. Bill Murray, 257. Then perhaps youd find value in these articles on. It just plain forms. This might be a work in progress, or you might need to remind yourself of how funny you actually are. 200. You can also think of your affirmations while you work, drive, do yoga, or simply enjoy time with friends. Bill Murray It has nothing new to tell you. 150. What we say not only affects our lives but also has an impact on those around us. Fortunately, theres a way to reap the benefits of these powerful statements by giving them a humorous twist. Your eyes water when you yawn, because you miss your bed and it makes you sad. 46. Bill Murray People wont be going to bed thinking about that one bad joke you made. 24. Because he was always spotted. I enjoy taking long romantic walks, to the fridge. Lorrin L. Lee. People only rain on my parade because they are jealous of my sun and tired of their shade. If lying was a job some people would be billionaires. 206. I am so worthy so that I am filling the life of people with fun and joy. Ben Hogan. 21. Today I was a hero. I say what I want and i dont care what everyone else thinks about it. Self-worth has nothing to do with clothing size. What is the tallest building in the entire world? I radiate calmness and tranquility, with a little side of body odor., 4. 81. 89. Some when they enter, others when they leave., 2. 1. Im thinking like a proton, always positive., 9. You definitely dont want to kill the vibe by throwing a bad joke out there! Because someone is always sitting on the deck. New year, new me. You can only be young once. Life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% of how you react to it. No beauty shines brighter than that of a good heart., 4. I know that I am stupid but when I look around me I feel a lot better. Home: Where I can look ugly and not care. 148. 85. 159. Amidst all the stress, anxiety and worries, a smile can help you brighten your day. 166. I overcome fears by following my dreams. Inspiring Quotes About Life "Here, we like to keep you inspired by showing you beautiful words of wisdom based . 6. Sometimes the M is silent. Here are some tips on how to make the most of using these humorous affirmations: Laughter and affirmations are already powerful separately, so imagine what they can do for you when combined. The most important aspect is being honest with yourself and opting for a meaningful statement. Even on my worst days, turning on some stand up immediately puts me in a better mood. A mind is like a parachute. The most important thing to remember when using positive affirmations is that it is all about how you feel. 178. 175. If Monday had a face, I would punch it. You cant have everything, where would you put it? - Catherine Pulsifer. 83. Dear universe, Im totally open to all of the amazing things coming my way. But it'll move up again.". I used to have winter fat but now I have spring rolls. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? 260. Youre born free, then youre taxed to death. I know that I am intelligent, because I know that I know nothing. Today is a great day. Yesterday I did nothing and today Im finishing what I did yesterday. Why cant you play cards on a small boat? 176. Not only can laughter improve our problem-solving skills, but it can also help battle various diseases. Dont make me laugh, Im trying to be mad at you. Frances McDormand, 42. 167. When they go away, its a brighter day. I have a new hairstyle today, its called I tried., 136. 'Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.'. 183. I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. Pat Sajak, 41. 65. 12. 186. Never forget that broken crayons can also color. "You're in mint condition for a vintage model. 10. 10. Ive collected 90 funniest affirmations from different sources on the web that will help you start a day in a positive manner. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. Sincerely, yourself. There are no stupid questions, just stupid people. 274. Send me the link. Because it was soda pressing. Is it perfect? Make the statements about yourself and for yourself. Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love. .People who enjoy making other people laugh are also known to be more detail oriented. Superwoman: single. 181. If nothing is impossible is it possible for something to be impossible? Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. 8. 172. 250. If you dont succeed at first, hide all evidence that you tried. The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. Remember: Dont Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river. Heres a list of important things to consider: Choosing the perfect affirmation from our list isnt much different. You can write them on sticky notes to set on your mirror, on the notes app in your phone for on-the-go encouragement, or you can simply memorize your favorites and recite . People who talk behind my back are getting a great view. 199. The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. Pampered cows produce spoiled milk. You know you are lazy when you get excited about canceling your plans. It can get you out of a tight corner and people who lack a sense of humor cannot do. You may have people laugh at you instead of with you. I'm amusing and people enjoy talking to me. 142. I wish my wallet came with free refills. Before using these amusing affirmations, you should believe in your sense of humor. 239. 44. I am attractive just as I am. Not everyone has good taste. Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you. 141. - Unknown. I am passing all the things and hardships with a smile. 4. My funny vibes attract my happy tribe. I didnt fall, Im just spending some quality time with the floor. 201. Dont drink to forget me, youll end up seeing me double. Explore the latest videos from hashtags: #affirmations, #affirmation, #funnyaffirmation, #dailyaffirmations, #affirmationsoftheday, # . Be strong, I whispered to my WiFi signal. 70. Remember: Dont Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river. A perfectly executed joke, said at a right time and at a right place, can change an awkward situation into a comfortable one. 101. Its not important to win, its important to make the other guy lose. 274. 137. 181. 68. Be careful when you follow the masses. 131. Jackie Collins 192. 97. 55. I am willing to ask for help when it serves my growth. Its a door, thats how they work. This is because, in order to be funny, there are certain details that need to be perfectly delivered. 173. I want to afford them., 2. My funny vibes attract my funny tribe., 3. For the best seat in the house, youll have to move the dog. My boss is like a baby, screams and wakes me up every half hour. Without further ado, lets look at 20 funny affirmations to build your self-esteem. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. When life gives you melons, you could be dyslexic. If I want a squirrel to like me, I guess I gotta act like a nut. Short Positive Affirmations set the pace for your day. 1. Its a door, thats how they work. Im lovely because everyone likes me more than Monday morning!, 7. My son is now an entrepreneur. If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me. 14. Whatever you must do todaydo it with the confidence of a 4-year-old in a Batman cape., 2. I solemnly swear that I am up to no good. If you think nothing is impossible, try slamming a revolving door. 75. Your email address will not be published. I crack the right joke at the perfect moment. Relationships these days start by pressing LIKE on her photo. Flip Wilson I am fine. "When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.". If you're going to be thinking, you may as well think big. What better way to do that than through your own self-talk? But then again so does . 74. 169. "Start each day with a positive thought and a grateful heart.". Paul Ehrlich, 241. Im not arguing, Im just telling you why youre wrong. I walk in the direction of what feels good for my soul. Can February march? I dont need a psychologist to dig into my personal life and ask me about all of my secrets, thats what my friends are for! Maybe there are no excuses to be lazy, but Im still going to keep looking. "I receive what I believe.". Don't forget to be awesome. Good morning! Common sense is like deodorant, those who need it the most never use it. 66. I tried, but they wanted cash. Nobody is listening, but you still feel embarrassed. Hello little voice inside my head, please just shut up. What happens to a frogs car when it breaks down? Im amusing and make the people around me happy. 93. I hope you enjoyed this article on funny affirmations! Sarcasm is a tool of highly intelligent people and if youre one of them (I bet you are), youre going to love these funny affirmations that are filled with humor and sarcasm. Swimming trunks. Art doesnt transform. 163. 195. What did one ocean say to the other ocean? 140. 5. I will be the type of person I would like my children to become. A mind is like a parachute. A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours. It gets toad away. Envelope. health is important. A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have. 4. 77. Ive got three bones. 21. Im not lazy, Im on power saving mode. 20. I havent talked to my wife in three weeks. Some people are like clouds. The world needs people like me to keep things interesting!, 15. Sorry, I didnt pick up my phone, I got carried away dancing to the ringtone. 275. My wife and I were happy for 20 years, then we met. "Life is like an elevator - Sometimes it stops. You have to go after it with a club. Give me a photo of you so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas. The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. Im sure youve heard a lot about affirmations, what they do and why you should start using them daily. 223. I put my phone in airplane mode, but its not flying. Life doesnt have any hands, but it can sure give you a slap sometimes. You can tune a guitar, but you cant tuna fish. It's OK to take a break. It has the power to add levity to our daily challenges. I like expensive things because I learn the act of taking care from them. Wilson Mizner, 262. When affirmations make you feel good about yourself, they are most effective. Steven Wright, 252. How do you count cows? Read next: 280 Positive Money Affirmations For An Abundance Mindset, Posted on Published: January 26, 2023- Last updated: January 27, 2023, Home 90 Funny Affirmations To Start Your Day With Laughter, Fabulous List Of 120 Cute Names To Call Your Crush, 120 Follow Your Dreams Quotes To Keep You On The Track. Nine out of ten people love chocolate, and the 10th person is always lying.

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